Upon flipping the final page of our beloved author’s manuscript, it was painfully apparent a glowing description of her was needed. Perhaps not so much for you, the reader, but for Colleen Pierce, author of Tag the Present: A Chariot Year, our dear friend and family member. So, we, the members that comprise her beloved “Fab Four”, put pen to paper and set forth on the task of wordsmithing our favorite new author. Our descriptions follow the order in which the book introduces us to you: Phyllis “The Matriarch”, and “The Marrieds” Sinjin and Beth.
So, grab your favorite beverage, get comfortable, and enjoy our odes to the self-proclaimed “fart in the wind”, Ms. Colleen Pierce.
Kindest of Regards,
Phyllis, Sinjin & Beth
WHY WE LOVE COLLEEN
~ By Phyllis “The Matriarch”
Why we love Colleen:
She is kind and generous. Colleen would give you the shirt off her back, even if it was her last shirt.
She is hilarious. Colleen finds the humor in so many situations and tells the story so we can all laugh, too.
She is loving. Colleen loves her family to the moon and back, there’s nothing she wouldn’t do for them. In addition, Colleen loves her friends, and is always telling them so.
COLLEEN VIEWED THROUGH THE LENS OF QED*
~ By Sinjin “The Marrieds Muscle”
(*Quantum Electrodynamics: Used to convey that a fact or situation demonstrates the truth of one’s theory or claim, especially to mark the conclusion of a formal proof.)
To the uninitiated (scientific) eye, Colleen would appear as another attractive, well-put-together lady. But, upon further investigation through a pair of scientific spectacles, one would derive that, in fact, Colleen is a controlled thermonuclear explosion in high heels. She seems composed until some poor unsuspecting fool dares ignite her trigger mechanism, unleashing her unbounded energy in the form of choice expletives and looks containing the stimulated emission of vaporizing gamma rays.
Having stated this, one could be brought to the incorrect conclusion that this lovely walking atomic bomb is always only seconds away from fusion, but this is far from the truth. Colleen embodies a tremendously positive force and focus on family and friends. Exuding positively charged particles through her infectious laughter and uplifting stories of her daring do’s and do-not’s, she induces those in close proximity to become equally positively charged. She contains such optimism, in spite of validating chaos theory over and over and over and over and over again, and experimenting via trial and error, with error typically in far greater quantity than the trial. But, Colleen ALWAYS lands on her feet, brushing off superstrings of negativity or experiences that would stop most.
Despite the odds, Colleen is always trying to validate the Grand Unified Field Theory (unbeknownst to her) by pulling together Granddaughter, Daughter, Son-in-law, Mother, Brother, and countless friends to see if it will all come together and stick. Most of the time she meets with success and is rewarded handsomely for her Herculean efforts. Other times, it is as if she was sucked into a black hole...and in that case, NO one gets out unscathed. However, there are most certainly times when she produces things that which could only be compared to discovering a magnetic monopole (something that would astound all Physicists and call for tremendous celebration!). She is truly an amalgam of dissimilar elements that are cohesively brought together forming a synergistic entity that has had a magnificent effect on those around her and now you, dear readers. Colleen is an unstoppable force, and I can’t wait to see what is coming next from her!
GOOD SHOES CAN ONLY GO SO FAR
~ By Beth “The Marrieds Miss Fairy Feet”
I will confess. The idea of describing our beloved Colleen began with yours truly. I concocted the wild notion of scripting our descriptions and compiling them in a faux addendum to Tag the Present: A Chariot Year and presenting the completed document to her at our 8th annual New Year’s Eve Fondue. But now staring at a blinking cursor on my computer screen, I’m wondering what on earth I was thinking.
Let’s start there . . . what was I thinking??? I was thinking Colleen is far more than a self-proclaimed “fart in the wind”, although to put my finger on what exactly comprises that “far more” is complicated.
Should you ever have the pleasure of meeting our beloved author, you will probably first notice her outward beauty. She has the figure I dreamt of having as a young girl, a perfect Daisy Duke with blonde hair. I’m positive when God was handing out bodies, I had to settle for this tidy little package because He had just delivered the last requested model to my friend, Colleen. Only two inches taller than me, her blonde hair radiates like a halo and soars to the sky with the assistance of a Radio City Music Hall Rockette-like inseam. It is beyond me how two inches make that big of a difference, but on her it does. Suffice it to say, Colleen is a ten.
As if her outward beauty was not enough, her insides are equally beautiful. She is kind, loving and giving: a devoted mother, a doting Gigi, an exemplary daughter, a dear sister, and a wonderful friend. Which all adds up and takes Colleen from a mere ten to a Perfect Ten. I know. It’s ok. I hate her, too, but in the absolute best way possible!
Regarding her other attributes, that’s where things get complicated. Have you ever watched the Sound of Music? You know the scene in which the nuns are discussing, ‘How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria’? Yeah, it’s kinda’ like that . . .
Colleen has class. The kind of class that money and good breeding can’t give you. She is an intrinsically decent human being. But I wouldn’t say our dear author is classy, as that brings a certain image to mind, and Heaven knows if you put her in a classy situation, all Hell is about to break loose. You can dress her up and put her in good shoes but drop her in a high-falutin’ situation and her beautiful, easy smile will turn into a constipated grimace, and you can rest assured she will wind up in some bizarre Lucille Ball situation that’s bound to involve the chocolate fountain at the dessert table. We’ve borne witness to so many of these debacles nothing would surprise us. Nothing.
Conversely, put her in some sketchy bar and the odds improve she'll escape without incident. How so, you ask? Let’s imagine a scenario. Picture in your mind a biker bar on the edge of a desert. Colleen arrives and admires the vast and varied assortment of bikes. Her eyes land on a beautiful, vintage Harley Davidson and she cannot resist the urge to sit upon such a magnificent machine. A small group of bikers standing nearby watch, amused, as she enjoys her make-believe cruise across the desert on her newfound stead. But, as luck would have it, the key would still be in the ignition, and our beloved author would somehow manage to simultaneously bump the key into the on position, kick back the stand and rev the engine into motion, shooting across the desert like a smoking rocket. Careening off into the sunset, her only hope of stopping would be to run out of gas or hurtle headfirst into a substantially large cactus.
Once the police track Colleen down, one of two things would happen. Either the big, burly biker from whom she ‘borrowed’ her swift stead would find the entire affair endearing, slap her on the back, escort her into the bar for drinks and gift her with an honorary bike club membership and matching leather jacket, making Colleen the Belle of the Ball for the evening, OR, one of the Fab Four would receive a midnight phone call from an operator announcing, ‘Do you accept charges from…’ because the biker would have filed a litany of charges, the court would made an example out of her, and our girl would find herself incarcerated for the remainder of her days. However, that would never be the end of it. Much too boring. Something more outrageous would have to happen, like her having a torrid affair with the prison warden while she became obscenely famous for writing the memoirs of a female, mafia king pin, so she could live a lifestyle only the likes Al Capone would understand. Seriously, it’s just the way she rolls, folks. She’s gifted in chaos.
With wonky radar and regular situational mishaps, you might think we avoid associating with our blonde Daisy Duke socially. Quite the opposite, Colleen is my favorite guest to entertain. In our home she knows her role is that of a VIP and she plays it to perfection. She lets us wait on her hand and foot and I so adore that about her! While delighting in being pampered, our beloved author can be counted on to provide us with a fun-filled and memorable evening. With us, Colleen is spoiled, and she knows it. But it hasn’t ruined her yet, so it’s ok!
All in all, I guess Maria from the Sound of Music was a good analogy for Colleen. She is a force of nature that cannot be suppressed. You would have better luck trying to catch a cloud and pin it down, attempt to keep a wave upon the sand, or hold a moonbeam in your hand. She is our wonderful and magical ‘fart in the wind’.